Dear Santa,

I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!

Santa


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll
set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Miami , where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck
in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa



Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?

Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a
house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get
inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your
bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa