Overprotective Bullshit

Kittylynn · Sim-Kitty

Overprotective Bullshit

zap · texaschickeee translator

I am so angry about this attitude from them! I don't think they have the right to tell me and my husband not to fight. We have a healthy relationship and disagreements are just part of life. Like I said before we were close friends, nearly family and it hurts that they don't trust us. I also don't think that sheltering those kids from the workings of a real family and Husband and Wife relationship is healthy for them! They have been through hell, I have been told some of what happened, but IMHO keeping them from confrontations isn't going to help them recover.

Makes perfect sense to me. And I also agree that kids need to learn how to handle disagreement without going to blows.

BUT...realize it is your house....so if they dont' like it...they can leave. And they did. Right?

No matter how hard you try...you cant reason with unreasonable people. I've tried. It just doesn't work.

good luck

entre new · Et tu, Brute?

Kitty, the kids obviously told their mom about the fighting so maybe it was bothering them. I don't know, but I'm just saying consider the possibility that the kids are uncomfortable, whether you think they should be or not. Maybe you're right and it would be good for them to be around some normal fighting. But if they're discussing it with the mom and maybe expressing some discomfort, I can see why she might want to keep them home. It's too bad though. I'm sure that must be difficult for you.

Date: Feb 16, 2006

Hi Kittylynn,

I have and am still working with survivers of abuse and violence in the home. I dont have all the answers, and might not have any of the answers that benefit you, but I can pass on what we were taught in various aspects of training.

I am hearing you saying that you are angry. The number one thing drilled into our heads is that anger is a secondary reaction. Frequently hurt, fear, grief, shock, disbelief, etc are primary. It is clear that you really care about these kids.

Survivors are damaged people that are in various aspects of healing. I hear you saying that mom is acting a bit like a scared animal, that she is on painkillers, and is handicapped... this translates to me that rather than being in control of herself she is still reactionary... is it because of her past? or because of the meds? or because of a feeling of not being in control of her world and being afraid that she is unable to protect her kids period? (it sounds like her kids were in an abusive situation at some point of their lives... in her mind she may be carrying guilt that she was unable to protect them befor... like it might be her judgement calls that she doesnt trust, not you. make sense?)

I spent some time with an older veteren with PTSS (post traumatic stress syndrom). Most old men swap war stories, something that they have in common. This gentlemen would start having flashbacks if people in his hearing started discussing war stories. Some people don't recover from trauma. mom might be one of these that never completely recovers.

I didn't catch what the reaction was, which you yourself saw, of the kids during the yelling episodes?? If the yelling triggers flashbacks for them, then you and Hubby are going to have to make some choices regarding your methods of "fighting" in their vicinity. I say "fighting" because everyone should learn and know what "fair fighting" is and what "unfair fighting" is. Fair fighting is standing up for yourself and for what is right while still treating others with respect, dignity, etc. Some kids are sensitive to raised voices, with or without violence in thier past history. Also, a healthy marriage isnt defined by weither there is yelling in it or not.

What to do about your anger? Understand that your anger is secondary... you said you felt hurt.. which indicates that you care about the kids a great deal... focus on how to help the kids. My suggestion is to be proactive rather than reactionary. I would suggest talking this over with your hubby. Then contact your local family protection service and inquire if there are any classes that you both could take together, that could help you learn/better understand how to work with kids from abused situations (try the foster care department). It sounds like you really care about these kids. The classes might give you even more additional knowledge and more tools to help these kids. It sounds like you could possibly be a pivital point in helping them learn how to stand up for themselves, how they view the rest of the world and differences of opinion-goals-outlook, how they learn life skills of "fair fighting", and how to recognize when other people are using "unfair fighting" and not get caught up in it.

One women I encountered was just starting to learn how to deal with confrontation in a healthy manner at the age of 52. Some people never learn. Either becaue they aren't shown a different way, or because they are unwilling to try a different way. You have the opportunity to show them that not all confrontation is violence or bad... the trick is to figure out how to put it in a language that they understand.

I'm not sure if anything here is of help to you,

I sincerely wish you the best.

KatScratch · Bad kitty....in the best possible way

Being a "survivor" of DV myself, I can tell you there is a lot of truth in what Entre and Scarecrow had to say. Depending on how young the kids were and what they were exposed to in their past, the tone may have triggered things they remembered or think they remembered and they may have brought this up to their mom. I can say without a doubt, she feels A LOT of guilt about her past and what they were exposed to! That guilt is the hardest thing to get over, I know.

Trust is a hard thing to rebuild in your life after being a victem of DV. Her lack of trust toward you and your husband is more an expression of her guilt and inability to really cope with what happened to her. It has taken me MANY, MANY years to get past certain aspects of what I endurred. When you are in that type of relationship, you loose that part of yourself that can stand up and defend. Instead you become a victem who feels helpless to stop it and it is worse when you have kids and they become part of the things that are threatened?

I know you are angery, but I can also tell you care a great deal. I seriously doubt that she is blaming you, even though she has kind of made it sound that way? It is probably more shame and guilt on her part and a lack of understanding and healing on her part. Understanding what a DV victem has been through is very hard for some one on the "outside". Everyone always told me," Why didn't you just leave or report them?" It is NEVER that easy. I tried and it made things farrrrr worse and it just got "beat down" and almost gave up? It took me quite a few years to get out and then more to feel "safe". I still have flash backs, as do my children. I still have guilt. It's one of those things that has never truely healed and probably never will?

Hang in there, PLEASE..... She needs your friendship and understanding more than ever if she is to get over this "hump" of mistrust. Talk to her, explain to her that it wasn't her fault and that the guilt she feels is normal. Explain to her that her children do need to be involved in a real loving environment. Arguements in a loving marriage is part of tht "normal" her children need or they will be so afraid of life, they won't know how to tell the difference between good and bad, instead they will hang on to their past and treat everything with paranoid reactions that turn everything bad???? Don't give up on her or those kids, you are doing the right thing and are not to blame in any way.

did i jump on my soap box again????? Sorry.....touchy subject.....sorry again....

-- Edited by KatScratch at 13:38, 2006-02-16

texaschickeee · Seductively Sassy

Im going with Zap. yes they all got out of DV and they are in counseling.

these kids will never live a life with out yelling and screaming around them.

thy need to learn how to handle disrubtions with out going to blows.

I think you summed it up with the fact that mom is on heavy pain killers, and that she was ion a DV relationship.

not a great judge of charter. she knows that you two will not go at it, but isnt willing to deal with the kids fear to get them to see that also.

you said it perfect, disagreements are part of healthy relationships. physical abus, verbal abuse and emontiaol/mental abuse are not./

Kittylynn · Sim-Kitty

Thanks all!

I just had to get some feedback on this situation. I guess I'm feeling a bit betrayed, because I never treated them as anything but family and then I get this big "We don't trust you anymore" crap from them.

I never have been a quiet person and I'm a redhead too boot, so when I'm riled up I yell! I know the kids are still asking if they can come over but Mom and Grandpa are still vetoing that option! I would never intentionally hurt either one of them emotionally or otherwise!

Their father did some pretty bad things to them and it seems they are all kind of hiding from him still, not illegally she has a restraining order on him, but they are pretty sure that if he finds out where they are he won't obey it, he has no rights to the children anymore. Their mother's handicapped problems stem from the abuse of her ex. She can't walk without a walker, her ex wouldn't let her go to a doctor over a 10 - 11 year period of time! The painkillers sometimes knock her out, so she doesn't know exactly whats going on, and things can easily get blown out of proportion.

I just get so frustrated sometimes, because of their inflexability, it's their way or no way! It is awkward going to visit them right now but I go over a couple times a week anyway. I want to be close still, that way if I ever have an opportunity to help them they might accept it! All I want to try and do is inject just a little bit of fun and normal teenage freedom into their lives. After all they have been through they deserve a little fun!

zap · texaschickeee translator

Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of the situation actually.

Too bad you can't FORCE them to see it that way.

KatScratch · Bad kitty....in the best possible way

You're doin the right thing Kitty and even if they don't say it, they know you mean well. They just need more time to heal. They have a long road ahead of them to try to get back to the people they were BEFORE the DV.....it's hard to find that person again and even harder to get over the guilt and fear, I know.....You're a hell of a friend Kitty!

Centurion44 · charges-like-rhino

It's her kids. She can screw them up however she wants. I know it sucks, but she's the parent.

Yeah, and being a teenger with mom and grandpa in an RV sounds real healthy.